I'm having a lot of trouble trying to reconcile what's really happening in my life with the kind of fantasy "cool" life that I think I should be having. I completely see how narcissistic the whole thing is: I'm a pretty girl, so obviously I should be having an exciting life, with lots of cool friends, going out frequently, and some glamorous form of income like modeling or blogging. On the other hand, I sometimes think that if I looked like the kind of person that does the things I do, I should be an overweight woman in my 40s who doesn't get dressed up, thinks going out means Country Buffet, and probably hasn't had sex with her husband in over a week (at least). I crochet like a grandma, I'm staying at home with a baby, and I don't have very many friends of my own and the one I do I practically never see.
When I broke up with ex boyfriend, I initially planned on moving to Austin with my dad. I imagined a glamorous downtown student life. Exercising in the park in the morning, taking a couple classes, lunch with my girls, some light afternoon work topped off with a nighttime outing or show. In my mind all my friends were beautiful and life was leisurely yet filled to the brim with fun, "cool" stuff. And of course after a while of this I'd take a vacation and explore the world, meeting even more cool, beautiful people. But I had to remind myself that if that was the life I was meant to live I would already be doing those things. Those opportunities exist here. Changing to Austin wouldn't change who I was.
Now things are even more complicated (and seemingly more boring) with Julian around. Almost everything I do, he is by my side. That doesn't leave a lot of room for going to the club or traveling. Instead I hang out at home and fill my time with simple crafts like crochet and of course, lots of cleaning. For the most part, I'm not depressed or hating my state of existence doing things this way. In general I'm a happy, content person and I don't resent the kind of life I have right now. I especially don't resent Julian, and I never want to. I guess I'm just having a huge case of "the grass is greener". It's so easy to compare myself to people I see on TV and bloggers online. They're dressed fabulously, they're traveling, they're doing a bunch of stuff they can write about. I guess that's really what it boils down to: I don't have anything interesting to write about or share with people. My life would not make the Bestseller's List.
Can I change that? Is it even possible now that I have a baby? Is the glamour and sexiness of someone like Dita Von Teese, the travel of someone like my sister, the bad-ass-rockerness of someone like Kat Von D at all compatible with having a baby at 19??? (Yes Leanne you are in there with Dita Von Teese as a super-inspiration to me<3)
I have one person I can look to for these things that I just remembered: Kandee Johnson. She's got four kids (toddler to teen), successfully works for herself, travels regularly, dresses fabulously and has TWO really popular blogs and a Youtube channel. And all while being a single mom! I need to look more to her life that she has built for herself as my inspiration and proof that you can have kids and have a fun life too. I need to channel some of her energy and positivity into my daily routine.
I need to stop comparing myself to other women. Instead I need to just keep working on what makes me the happiest and doing more of those things every day. Even if my life seems boring and even crappy, it doesn't matter as long as I know I'm happy - I don't have to prove that or make excuses to other people.
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